There are many different styles of effective communication, but arguing with someone is typically the worst possible way to attempt to communicate. Once you enter the mode of arguing, listening shuts down by everyone in the argument.
Now, I’m the first one to admit it, I like arguing. In fact, for many years I was a TV and radio talk show host with a focus on politics. So yes, I argued for hours everyday. And I listened to a lot of people yelling and screaming at me on the air.
However, there is a difference between arguing on a talk show versus arguing with a boss, client, customer, friend or family member. If you or I argue on a TV or radio show, we might not convince the person we are arguing with, but we might convince the vast audience.
Back to real life: you don’t have an audience when you are arguing (unless you count your kids listening to you argue with your spouse). So it really never pays to have arguments in real (non-media) life.
You may have won high school or college debate competitions, you may be a successful courtroom lawyer, but arguing with people in real life will typically not result in you communicating your messages effectively. It will most likely make you hated — so don’t do it.
How can you avoid an argument?
If someone interrupts you, don’t interrupt back. If someone gets louder and angrier talking to you, don’t get louder back. Maintain your own conversational volume.
If someone makes several factual mistakes in a heated discussion with you, don’t revel in correcting every single fact. Instead, focus on something you agree on.
My goal is not to train you to let people walk all over you or to turn you into a bland yes-man/woman. There may be times when you want to argue with friends just for the fun of it – I know I do. Just make sure you aren’t fooling yourself into thinking you are actually communicating.
Of course you should state your opinions with confidence. Of course we all disagree with people from time to time; that is a normal course of human interaction.
But the second the person you are talking to feels that you two are in an argument, your ability to communicate messages has just dropped dramatically. So do whatever you can to lower the volume, temperature, cross talk and interruptions (not to mention name-calling) to insure maximum communication.
